For REAL? 175? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!

Sooo... I decided to actually track my midnight snacking last night... Um, 800 calories of mindless little trips to the fridge when I SHOULD have been sleeping? I think this *might* have something to do with my persistant weight gain. I wish I could put a padlock on the fridge and give my husband the only key.

I'm an adult now. I'm out of school. I'm not working right now... I don't think I need my Ritalin anymore. ...but I'm terrified to stop taking it because I don't want to get fat!

I made a "diet plan" last night, during a rare moment when my stomach was empty, and I was loving the feeling... I looked at it this morning and realized that there's a name for the diet I invented: Anorexia. I'm happy I'm emotionally mature enough to step back and recognize this for what it is... but I'm frustrated that my brain still clings to the same patterns after all these years.

When I moved to Alabama, I thought I was fat. 5'7" and 155lbs. I definitely had a few pounds to drop. Then when I reached 160 I got serious and started monitoring my calories. I just weighed in at 181.1. How did this happen?!

I hate my mother in law. I want my husband to get stationed OCONUS so I don't have to see her more than once a year. I don't want to let my (future) children visit her. I want to cut her out of my life forever. ...I hate that my husband is related to her, and I think part of the reason we haven't had kids yet is because I don't want to bear children who are biologically related to the woman.

On mornings like this, when my husband is screaming at me because he is out of green socks (because he packed all but 2 pairs of them and didn't tell me about it)... I kindof can't wait for him to deploy. ...and then I feel horrible. What if he dies?! ...But I just want the screaming to stop. (...just2moreweeks...)

I feel like Ft. Rucker is run by a bunch of kindergarteners. I'm really hoping Ft. Hood is better.

The movers come in SIX DAYS! DH's graduation is in 14 days, and THEN WE GET THE HELL OUT OF ALABAMA!!!! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh! I am so frustrated with our EFMP office at Ft. Rucker. Somehow I ended up on the "Exceptional Family Member" list, and nobody seems to be able to tell me why, or how to get off of it! I DON'T HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS! Why is it that there are so many military dependents out there, struggling to get the special help they need, while I'm somehow stuck on the special needs list against my will?!

Sometimes I sit on my ass all day long, then run around cleaning frantically for an hour before DH comes home so when he walks in the door, smells bleach, and sees me on my hands and knees, scrubbing something, he thinks I've been a good little housewife who deserves an extra wine cooler after dinner ;-)

I did SO well with my diet today! I was lookin' great in my sexy new shirt, and my jeans were fitting LOOSE! I really wasn't hungry at all, and I would have been fine with just a yogurt cup for dinner, but DH hates it when I don't cook, so I made pasta. And I nibbled while I cooked. And then I waited while it got cold. Then I ate a bowl... An hour later, DH STILL isn't home, and I've eaten 500 calories I didn't even want or enjoy, all because my husband can't make himself a sandwich.

My husband is such a jackass when he's stressed... I'm sick of all the cursing, door slamming, and violent typing... I just want to smack him and yell "IT'S NOT MY MACBOOK, JACKASS! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT! MASHING THE KEYS HARDER WON'T MAKE IT WORK FASTER IF YOU'RE PRESSING THE WRONG KEYS IN THE FIRST PLACE!"