I've lost a lot of weight.I don't know how much because I never know my measurements but going by the way my clothes fit me,it's been a lot.Food doesn't appeal to me and I'm never hungry.I have a doctor's appointment next week,just a check up.I feel like a 10 year old afraid of the dentist because I didn't floss.With the weight I have lost,I can see a lot of questions coming my way.

I miss sex so much! I feel bad for missing it.It's absurd and in my mind I know better,but I feel like crap for missing sex and wanting it so bad that for a minute there it is more about fucking than wanting my husband.

DS17 and his roommates are hosting a halloween party.According to the internet they're expecting 77 guests (this is the boy I worried about because he had no friends to play with!) and he asked my nephew for the jello rum-cacao shooters recipe.I could have a preemptive Halloween panic attack but no,I'm going to breathe deeply and imagine that his party is going to be exactly like the little get togethers I used to organize for my little boy,with cup cakes,kid's music and confetti.That is my dillusion and I'm sticking to it.

When the children were younger and they displayed their best tantrums when we had people over I said to our guests "tonight's meltdown,a sign that bedtime is near" and rushed them to bed.Yesterday I invited people over for dinner and between finishing dessert and getting the small spoons out of the drawer I burst into tears,like one does.DS7 turned to our guests and said "this is her night's meltdown.Its a sign that she wants to go to bed".You almost got it DS but not quite :)

My boss and I have always been good office buds.We don't socialize outside of work but we get along swimmingly.We've worked together for 9 years.With DH 20.I know she doesn't like children too much but she laughs with my unglamorous parenting adventures and cares about our kids.This morning,out of nowehere,she told me she would babysit anytime to give me a break."Its about time I learn reconnect with my inner child.Please don't hesitate to ask".Honestly,I would have never thought of asking her but the sentiment is SO sweet and generous.She made my day.

Asked for the day off from my second job.I'm exhausted and cranky,so asked for some time-out before I lose it.Made the mistake of sharing this with my oldest sister,who in turn shared it with my mother.Dear mother calls and gives me a list of the fun,exciting things the kids and I can do with my half-day off.Are you kidding mama?I'm going to sit in front of the TV and watch them trash the house!But now there is mother guilt all over because I'm not making up for lost time or enjoying our extra time together.Ugh!

I wanted a care-free Halloween for my kids.They deserved a night of candy and fun.But it didn't go like that.DD8 cried as we left the house.We cuddled,we talked and she begged to stay.So we did.The boys went with our friends.20 mins later the boys are back home,their make up all messed up with tears.Text DS17 to ask about his party,he replies he backed down because he's tired.Tired is code for "I miss papa but I won't tell you because you worry".Oh,and a special someone egged the car.I feel like shit.Jealous but happy for anyone who enjoyed Halloween.

A week and a day as a high school counselor and I feel like I am the one stuffed inside the locker.I can work and feel grateful for my career counseling people living on the street,addicted to all substances imaginable,survivors of rape,violence and torture,with profound physical and intellectual disabilities,with bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia.I cannot feel the same way with these teenagers and the staff of this suburban high school.I've recieved more respect and better dispositions from starving homeless people trying to give up crack!

I love my job and the people I work with/for.Although it is hard,this is the career I worked hard for and take satisfaction in doing something that matters.Our lives and my family changed dramatically and now I must have two jobs.The second one...I don't like at all.It's pointless and the environment hostile.What sucks is that working a full time and a part time job is kicking my ass.I don't do either one right.I am not at my 100% but I need to take this money home.I hate doing half-ass jobs.This isn't me.This is not my work ethic.I want to do this right!Argh!

It has taken me a *very* long time to move my husband's stuff.One of the last things I wanted to touch was the book his was reading and never finished.I had it on his night table for months.Last night I decided to move it.Inside I found a letter.He knew it would take me a while before opening that book again.He opened the letter saying he wanted me to read it with a smile,because he loved my dimples.He also asked me not to cry.I did both things while reading.

I gave away my husband's t-shirt.Its the first piece of clothing I dare to touch or disturb in almost 3 months.I thought it would be hard and tearful...but honestly,I hated the crap out of that t-shirt.A picture of John Lennon looking like Jesus.Or Jesus looking like John Lennon.Really hubs? How old were you? 12? And the chlorine stains?Classy!Good riddance!Before the kids ask for it and then I get other 10 years of it,it's gone!

I started reading my husband's journals.I expected it to be a very conflicting and tearful situation,and I was ready to cry until I read the first line of the first journal "My life is worthless because I am not David Bowie".Of course!There is nothing particularly moving about the self-important and dorky mind of a teenager.Its like reading twilight,except that instead of a virginal vampire,the male lead is my husband at 14,desperate to have sex and high as a kite,and the female lead is anyone with a pulse.

The man who raped me has served his sentence and is getting out of jail in six months.To the extent of my abilities I've made peace with what happened and with him.I don't hate him anymore,though a part of me will always be afraid and hurt by the things he did.However,I am terribly sad and angry that this man will begin a new life in 6 months and my husband's life is over.The worst man who ever walked into my life outlived the best and most loved one.This is so wrong.I want to cry.

On a day like today back on 1997,Joe and I got married.We left the county office holding hands and the first thing we did as husband and wife was buy ODS a bag of potato chips because he was cranky after the big event,which took less than 20 mins.Wonderful 20 mins that turned into wonderful years.I miss him with all my heart.What is an anniversary without my love?The memories are not enough.I want more years,love and wonder.Why is the day here but Joe isn't?I want another year of "us"!Why is it over?!